I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
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Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Best mom ever 😂
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion