her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
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BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended