Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
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I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what