Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
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[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.