I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
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How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?