I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
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bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.