Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
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This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now