Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
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just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
Every haunted house movie:
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.