Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
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5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
the noise i just made
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”