I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
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“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
A leaf blower, but for people.
The Birdles
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT