Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
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*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away