I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
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History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
And now we wait
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
How your email finds me
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him