Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
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Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
This might be the funniest tweet ever
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
Godspeed, John Glenn
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
my astrological sign is a french fry
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs