In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
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That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
Bloody internet 😳
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
*watches the world burn*
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]