Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
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Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?