Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
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[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
This is what makes twitter great
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals