“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
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I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
Not today.. 😂
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”