Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
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When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family