“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
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Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL