*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
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I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.