Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
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Made a playlist for your weekend hike
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
The answer is funnier than the question
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Ok, but like, how married are you?
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time