Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
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Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
#dnd #ttrpg
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
What even happened today?
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
Only a mother’s love …
I’m putting together a team
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
Pretty much! 😂👀
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..