It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
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I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
Breaking news:
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.