My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
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dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
My plans: 2020:
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
ACED my prostate exam!