Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
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I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
Is this the real life?
Is this just
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.