George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
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Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
Become ungovernable.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”