KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
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We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.