Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
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[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
🦝🔥🦝🔥
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.