My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
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I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
I hate my earbuds.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
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My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.