They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
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Kidney stones? Hard pass
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.