“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
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I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.