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I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
i think we should see other cousins
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.