I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
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[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.