Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
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It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine