I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
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As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Geez man, take it easy.
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.