DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
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I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
Follow me for more life hacks.
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
Herpes is trending, good job people
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car