I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
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I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake