I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
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Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
how was your vacation
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.