In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
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Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem