Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
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I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
I hope they boil the right one.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.