Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
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Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”