My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
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7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
<—- homeless romantic
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
Smallpox sounds so adorable
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.