Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
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At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
I can’t stop watching this.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.