Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
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[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus