the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
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You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.