imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
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Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.