Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
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If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.