5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
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For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse