If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
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[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer