My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
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Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic